i'm an aspiring human.

This page has been dormant for the past year, for more than the past year. And I can't help but think that it speaks volumes about where I have been for the past year. How I have experienced the past year.

I'm realizing now, after everything that has been cancelled, changed, interrupted, and ended that change, growth, and pain are very far from linear.

The story of life, as we all know, is far from a simple tale. And how boring a story like that would be, don't you think? No no, my life has seen far more than mountains and valleys. I find some of my greatest and deepest memories in the foothills going either way.

But ahh, to be dormant. Silent; to have no comment--that is the worst place to stand. And I feel like after of a year of standing still, I am finally moving again. I'm moving one step closer to the person I'm going to be tomorrow and the next day and the next. I'm chasing a dream and reimagining a few others. I'm saving up money but cashing out on laughter and deep conversations. I am moving again.

I could say a lot about the past year of my life. I could go on about the things I missed, the place or person I was last March. I could talk about my journey back to being able to hear or my last relationship, but I really don't have much to say about those things anymore.

If there is anything I could take away from my life as of recent, if would be that people and experiences and places come into your life at the exact moment they are suppose to, and the same goes to say about when they leave as well. God is still moving the pieces around in my masterpiece of a life and that's okay with me. We learn as much as we can from the people He surrounds us with for as long as we can and then those friendships and storylines end. But we do not.

We are not just one version of ourselves, but a dozen and a half versions that are all works in progress. We are sitting in the back room of a ceramic paint shop waiting for God to continue to mold, move, paint and repaint us to be better than we were the day before. And He is not forgetful, He didn't forget to continue your story--but we forget that He is the reason for ours.

I struggled a lot with the idea that God was absent in my life as the world shut down. I thought that He wasn't listening to me, that He wasn't answering my prayers, that He wasn't making things better for me. I was screaming at God to listen to me, but I wasn't listening to Him say "not yet." And as I'm crying out for help in another insomniac storm, He squeezed my hand and said, "I'm here." He said "I never left you, nor do I ever want to."

It's a silly notion to think that God would ever leave us. I think that's just another complex piece to being a human, that even in the worst of moments we can't see the fault was actually ours. God didn't leave me, I left God. I said, "no no, I got it, I can do it." I said, "no, I have better ideas and plans than you God," "I can do this all on my own" and look how far I got on my own...

If I'm sure of anything it's that God wants to be in my life, and I want Him there. That's such a funny word, "sure" it packs a heavy punch for such a small word. A lot of the time, I go through life unsure of things. Unsure what I should wear, unsure if I should reach out, unsure how I feel about myself. But being sure, thats the power I'm hoping to manifest within the next 12 months.

I want to be sure that the people in my community want to be there. I want to be sure that the community I am pouring into is pouring right back out to me; because I am done with one sided relationships.

I no longer am looking for friends just for a like count on Instagram or notifications on my phone. I want people in my life who are willing to be there for more than just the good times, the pretty ones that are showcased on my social media platforms. I want, no I need, people to be there for the moments where I can't carry myself any further. The days where I can't bring myself to say I'm beautiful, or I still have eye crusts and have been so overwhelmed with the events of life to notice. To be there through all the crap and then celebrate in the good moments.

I'm working on being sure I want to be here, are you?