He's just moving the pieces around

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:1-8

2019 was the year of setting up expectations for both myself and the new opportunities in my life but then having God gleefully laugh at those expectations, flip them upside down and karate chop them into something completely different.

In the beginning of the year, I had the opportunity to study abroad in Cambridge, England. I thought I was going to learn about solo traveling, cultures I had never met before, independence, and finally get a hand on money management. But God stretched me. He stretched me to rely on others more, to ask for help, to let people in and tell them what is going on in my life, both in the amazing adventures I was going on and on a more real note with my mental and spiritual health. God challenged me and help me to create relationships with them that had not existed before. Those experiences blossomed a deep found trust I now have within my family members, one that was painful to get to, but I am thankful for now.

Fast forward a few months to summer, and anyone who knows me knows that I am a summer girl, because summer means going to camp. This particular summer, I was extremely excited to be going back because I would be the Youth Camp Program Coordinator, which is a lot of fancy words for I was in charge. It was something I had been working towards for the better part of a decade. And so what I thought was going to be a summer of growth in leadership, camp experiences, and life-long friendships, I was met with one of the hardest and lowest points in my life.

Through personal reflections and conversations with faith mentors, I realized I had no self-worth, I didn't love myself in a way that healthy and definitely wasn't the way God wanted me to love myself. When asked the question, “Who is Jasmine?” I answered with answers other people could see me as: short, funny, sometimes has bangs sometimes doesn’t. But I couldn’t answer with confidence that I was a beloved child of God, that my identity was rooted in Him who created me in His image.

Teaching yourself to love yourself and show self-care and understand self-worth is a long, hard, confusing road--one that I didn't walk alone. I had to start small, every morning and night when I was *brushing my teeth* I would look myself in the eyes and tell myself that I was loved, that I was a child of God and most importantly that my identity was rooted in him. At first this was painful, I couldn't do it for long and I definitely didn't believe what I was telling myself. But then slowly, it became easier for me to say those words and phrases to myself. Slowly, I began to not only say it at those times but throughout my day, in small things, just to myself.

My self-worth is nowhere near perfect, it probably never will be, but it is better than it use to be.

I wasn’t expecting to grow in my identity and self-worth while I was at camp this past summer. I wasn’t expecting to grow in relationships that were 4,000 miles away while I was abroad, through most of this year it has felt like I really didn’t know what was going on, but God did.

Sometimes, we just need to stay the course, to not lose heart, not give up too soon, not throw away our confidence. We may be used to being in control, to “having a clue,” to be moving at a steady pace, and yet we may find ourselves in a place where none of those things are happening.

Don’t panic. God knows what he is doing. He knows how to get us where we need to be. He knows how to take care of what needs to happen next.

Don’t lose your peace. Just keep taking one step at a time, doing the last thing God directed you to do. Don’t get sidetracked by what is or isn’t happening, or what other people might be thinking about you, or even by what you feel.

When we find ourselves in an unfamiliar place where we feel lost or stuck or uncertain, it may not even be that we’ve done anything wrong or missed something.. sometimes, it’s simply that God is still moving the pieces around, moving people into place, doing some maturing and testing of our character and faith, lining things up so He can do exceedingly above all we could ask, think, dream, or imagine.

If He said, it He will do it, and He won’t be a moment late. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is too hard for Him.

Trust him. Give Him room to show His presence. And remember, He’s just moving the pieces around.